Carnival Barkers: Tobacco Row, Tobacco Row! Get your cigars, cigarettes, and chewing tobacco! Come on in and smoke your heads off! There's nobody here to stop you!
Foulfellow: So, Coachman, what's your proposition?
The Coachman: How would you blokes like to make some real money?
[pulls out a big bag of gold pieces, which he drops on the table with a loud clank]
Foulfellow: [his eyes widen] Well! And who do we have to...
[makes a throat slashing gesture]
The Coachman: No, no, no... nothing like that. You see...
[moves his eyes slowly left and right with Foulfellow briefly following suit, then leans in with a slight whisper]
The Coachman: I'm collecting stupid little boys.
Foulfellow: Stupid little boys?
The Coachman: You know... the disobedient ones that are playing hooky from school.
The Coachman: So you see...
[leans in and whispers into Foulfellow's ear indistinctly for a while, his sidekick listens in through his opposite ear, then cleans it out with his finger so he can hear it better]
The Coachman: ... and I takes them to Pleasure Island.
Foulfellow: Ah. Pleasure Island...
[suddenly has a look of horror]
Foulfellow: Pleasure Island? But the law! Suppose they...
The Coachman: No, no, no, there's no risk. They never come back... as BOYS!
[his face morphs to a devil like appearance as he makes an evil grin. Foulfellow and his sidekick sweat a little as he laughs maniacally, then grabs him by the collar and holds him close]
The Coachman: Now, I've got a coach leaving the crossroads by midnight, see me there. And no double crossing!
Foulfellow: No sir...
The Coachman: Any prospects you find, bring them to me.
Foulfellow: Yes sir.
The Coachman: I'll pay you well, I've got plenty of gold.
Foulfellow: [after drunkenly singing "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee"] And the dummy fell for it.
Foulfellow: Hook, line and sinker!
Gideon: [Dips a smoke-ring in his beer and takes a bite] Hiccup!
Foulfellow: And he still thinks we're his friends. And did Stromboli pay? Plenty!
[places a small bag of coins on the table]
Foulfellow: That shows you how low Honest John will stoop, eh, Giddy?
Gideon: [nodding choking on his beer] Hiccup!
Foulfellow: [he and Gideon have "diagnosed" Pinocchio's "condition"] My boy, you are *allergic.*
Foulfellow: Yes, and there is only one cure: a vacation on Pleasure Island!
Pinocchio: Pleasure Island?
[ge and Gideon dance]
Foulfellow: That happy land of carefree boys, where every day's a holiday!
Pinocchio: [leaving] But I can't go. I...
Foulfellow: [he and Gideon stop him] Why, of course you can go. I'm giving you my ticket.
[he produces an ace of spades card and gives it to Pinocchio]
Pinocchio: Thanks. But I...
Foulfellow: No, tut-tut-tut, I insist: your health comes first.
[he and Gideon grab Pinocchio and escort him away]
Foulfellow: Come, the coach departs at midnight!
[he sings the Pleasure Island rendition of "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee" as they escort Pinocchio away]
Foulfellow: [noticing Pinocchio] Look, Giddy, look! It's amazing, a live puppet without strings! A thing like that ought to be worth a fortune to someone. Now let me see...
[sees poster for Stromboli's puppet show]
Foulfellow: That's it! Stromboli! Why, that old faker would give his... Listen. If we play our cards right, we'll be on easy street or my name isn't Honest John.
[Gideon nods "No"]
Foulfellow: Quick, we'll head him off
[They follow Pinocchio and head him off near a brick wall]
Foulfellow: Shhh! Now is our cha...
[Gideon takes out a mallet and gets ready to hit Pinocchio]
Foulfellow: No, no, stupid!
Foulfellow: Don't be crude.
[hits him with the mallet]
Foulfellow: [Picks up Pinocchio's schoolbook and apple, which he eats] Well, well. Quite the scholar, I see. Look, Giddy. A man of letters. Here's your book
[hands book to Pinocchio]
Pinocchio: I'm going to school.
Foulfellow: School. Ah, yes. Then perhaps you haven't heard of the easy road to success.
Foulfellow: No? I'm speaking, my boy, of the theater! Here's your apple.
[Hands Pinocchio the apple, eaten down to the core]
Foulfellow: Bright lights, music, applause! Fame!
[Wiggles eyebrows too]
Foulfellow: Yes! And with that personality, that profile, that physique... why, he's a natural-born actor, eh, Giddy?
Pinocchio: But I'm going...
Foulfellow: ...straight to the top! Why, I can see your name in lights, lights six feet high! Uh... what is your name?
Foulfellow: Pinocchio! P-I-N... er, U-O... Uh, er...
Foulfellow: We're wasting precious time. Come. On to the theater!
Foulfellow: [seeing a poster for Stromboli's puppet show] Well, well, well! Stromboli! So that old rascal's back in town, eh?
Foulfellow: Remember the time I put strings on you and passed you off as a puppet?
Foulfellow: We nearly put one over on that old gypsy that time.
Foulfellow: [singing] Hi-diddle-dee-dee / An actor's life for me / A high silk hat and a silver cane / A watch of gold with a diamond chain / Hi-diddle-dee-day / an actor's life is gay / It's great to be a celebrity / An actor's life for me!
Lampwick: Huh! To hear that beetle talk you'd think somethin' was gonna happen to us.
[Donkey ears pop out of Lampwick's head; Pinocchio's eyes widen]
Lampwick: Conscience! Aw, phooey!
[a tail pops out of the seat of Lampwick's pants; Pinocchio puts down the cigar he has been smoking]
Lampwick: Wheres he get that stuff? "How do you ever expect to be a real boy?" What's he think I look like?
[Now his head is that of a donkey]
Lampwick: A jackass?
Pinocchio: You sure do! Ha-ha, Hee-haw!
Lampwick: [as Pinocchio covers his mouth shocked] Hey, you laugh like a donkey. Ha-ha Hee-haw!
Lampwick: Did that come outta me?
[Pinocchio nods; Lampwick starts feeling his face and notices the changes]
[He raises his arms a little higher and notices his ears]
Lampwick: Huh? What the...
[noticing his tail]
Lampwick: What's going on?
[He looks in the mirror and sees that he is turning into a donkey]
Lampwick: AAAAHH! I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! Somebody, help! I've been framed! Help!
[Gets down on his knees and begs Pinocchio for help]
Lampwick: Please, you gotta help me. Be a pal! Call that beetle. Call anybody!
[Lampwick's hands turn into hooves]
Lampwick: Mama! Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!
Lampwick: [picks up Jiminy] Hey, who's the beetle?
Jiminy Cricket: Let go! Put me down!
Pinocchio: He's my conscience. He tells me what's right and wrong.
Lampwick: What? You mean to tell me you take orders from a grasshopper?
Jiminy Cricket: Grasshopper? Look here, you - you impudent young pup! It wouldn't hurt you to take orders from your grasshop - er, your conscience, if you have one!