Carnival Barkers: Tobacco Row, Tobacco Row! Get your cigars, cigarettes, and chewing tobacco! Come on in and smoke your heads off! There's nobody here to stop you!

Foulfellow: So, Coachman, what's your proposition?

The Coachman: How would you blokes like to make some real money?

[pulls out a big bag of gold pieces, which he drops on the table with a loud clank]

Foulfellow: [his eyes widen] Well! And who do we have to...

[makes a throat slashing gesture]

The Coachman: No, no, no... nothing like that. You see...

[moves his eyes slowly left and right with Foulfellow briefly following suit, then leans in with a slight whisper]

The Coachman: I'm collecting stupid little boys.

Foulfellow: Stupid little boys?

The Coachman: You know... the disobedient ones that are playing hooky from school.

Foulfellow: Oh...

The Coachman: So you see...

[leans in and whispers into Foulfellow's ear indistinctly for a while, his sidekick listens in through his opposite ear, then cleans it out with his finger so he can hear it better]

The Coachman: ... and I takes them to Pleasure Island.

Foulfellow: Ah. Pleasure Island...

[suddenly has a look of horror]

Foulfellow: Pleasure Island? But the law! Suppose they...

The Coachman: No, no, no, there's no risk. They never come back... as BOYS!

[his face morphs to a devil like appearance as he makes an evil grin. Foulfellow and his sidekick sweat a little as he laughs maniacally, then grabs him by the collar and holds him close]

The Coachman: Now, I've got a coach leaving the crossroads by midnight, see me there. And no double crossing!

Foulfellow: No sir...

The Coachman: Any prospects you find, bring them to me.

Foulfellow: Yes sir.

The Coachman: I'll pay you well, I've got plenty of gold.

Foulfellow: [after drunkenly singing "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee"] And the dummy fell for it.


Foulfellow: Hook, line and sinker!

[laughs again]

Gideon: [Dips a smoke-ring in his beer and takes a bite] Hiccup!

Foulfellow: And he still thinks we're his friends. And did Stromboli pay? Plenty!

[places a small bag of coins on the table]

Foulfellow: That shows you how low Honest John will stoop, eh, Giddy?

Gideon: [nodding choking on his beer] Hiccup!

Foulfellow: [he and Gideon have "diagnosed" Pinocchio's "condition"] My boy, you are *allergic.*

Pinocchio: Allergic?

Foulfellow: Yes, and there is only one cure: a vacation on Pleasure Island!

Pinocchio: Pleasure Island?

Foulfellow: Yes!

[ge and Gideon dance]

Foulfellow: That happy land of carefree boys, where every day's a holiday!

Pinocchio: [leaving] But I can't go. I...

Foulfellow: [he and Gideon stop him] Why, of course you can go. I'm giving you my ticket.

[he produces an ace of spades card and gives it to Pinocchio]

Foulfellow: Here.

Pinocchio: Thanks. But I...

Foulfellow: No, tut-tut-tut, I insist: your health comes first.

[he and Gideon grab Pinocchio and escort him away]

Foulfellow: Come, the coach departs at midnight!

[he sings the Pleasure Island rendition of "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee" as they escort Pinocchio away]

Foulfellow: [noticing Pinocchio] Look, Giddy, look! It's amazing, a live puppet without strings! A thing like that ought to be worth a fortune to someone. Now let me see...

[sees poster for Stromboli's puppet show]

Foulfellow: That's it! Stromboli! Why, that old faker would give his... Listen. If we play our cards right, we'll be on easy street or my name isn't Honest John.

[Gideon nods "No"]

Foulfellow: Quick, we'll head him off

[They follow Pinocchio and head him off near a brick wall]

Foulfellow: Shhh! Now is our cha...

[Gideon takes out a mallet and gets ready to hit Pinocchio]

Foulfellow: No, no, stupid!

[snatches mallet]

Foulfellow: Don't be crude.

[hits him with the mallet]

Gideon: Hiccup!

Foulfellow: [Picks up Pinocchio's schoolbook and apple, which he eats] Well, well. Quite the scholar, I see. Look, Giddy. A man of letters. Here's your book

[hands book to Pinocchio]

Pinocchio: I'm going to school.

Foulfellow: School. Ah, yes. Then perhaps you haven't heard of the easy road to success.

Pinocchio: Uh-uh.

Foulfellow: No? I'm speaking, my boy, of the theater! Here's your apple.

[Hands Pinocchio the apple, eaten down to the core]

Foulfellow: Bright lights, music, applause! Fame!

[Wiggles eyebrows]

Pinocchio: Fame?

[Wiggles eyebrows too]

Foulfellow: Yes! And with that personality, that profile, that physique... why, he's a natural-born actor, eh, Giddy?

Pinocchio: But I'm going...

Foulfellow: ...straight to the top! Why, I can see your name in lights, lights six feet high! Uh... what is your name?

Pinocchio: Pinocchio.

Foulfellow: Pinocchio! P-I-N... er, U-O... Uh, er...


Foulfellow: We're wasting precious time. Come. On to the theater!

Foulfellow: [seeing a poster for Stromboli's puppet show] Well, well, well! Stromboli! So that old rascal's back in town, eh?

[to Gideon]

Foulfellow: Remember the time I put strings on you and passed you off as a puppet?


Foulfellow: We nearly put one over on that old gypsy that time.

Foulfellow: [singing] Hi-diddle-dee-dee / An actor's life for me / A high silk hat and a silver cane / A watch of gold with a diamond chain / Hi-diddle-dee-day / an actor's life is gay / It's great to be a celebrity / An actor's life for me!

Lampwick: Huh! To hear that beetle talk you'd think somethin' was gonna happen to us.

[Donkey ears pop out of Lampwick's head; Pinocchio's eyes widen]

Lampwick: Conscience! Aw, phooey!

[a tail pops out of the seat of Lampwick's pants; Pinocchio puts down the cigar he has been smoking]

Lampwick: Wheres he get that stuff? "How do you ever expect to be a real boy?" What's he think I look like?

[Now his head is that of a donkey]

Lampwick: A jackass?

Pinocchio: You sure do! Ha-ha, Hee-haw!

Lampwick: [as Pinocchio covers his mouth shocked] Hey, you laugh like a donkey. Ha-ha Hee-haw!


Lampwick: Did that come outta me?

[Pinocchio nods; Lampwick starts feeling his face and notices the changes]

Lampwick: Oh!

[He raises his arms a little higher and notices his ears]

Lampwick: Huh? What the...

[noticing his tail]

Lampwick: What's going on?

[He looks in the mirror and sees that he is turning into a donkey]

Lampwick: AAAAHH! I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! Somebody, help! I've been framed! Help!

[Gets down on his knees and begs Pinocchio for help]

Lampwick: Please, you gotta help me. Be a pal! Call that beetle. Call anybody!

[Lampwick's hands turn into hooves]

Lampwick: Mama! Maaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaa! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Lampwick: [picks up Jiminy] Hey, who's the beetle?

Jiminy Cricket: Let go! Put me down!

Pinocchio: He's my conscience. He tells me what's right and wrong.

Lampwick: What? You mean to tell me you take orders from a grasshopper?

Jiminy Cricket: Grasshopper? Look here, you - you impudent young pup! It wouldn't hurt you to take orders from your grasshop - er, your conscience, if you have one!