Principal Gibbons: This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
Mrs. Griffith: I'm the guidance counselor. I should know all the students, especially the ones that dress like prostitutes.
Mrs. Griffith: [about Micah] He's not the sharpest Christian in the bible.
Dill: After we watch "The Bucket List," remember to cross "watch 'The Bucket List'" off our bucket list.
Dill: I'd take a bullet for you, you know that. Right between the eyes. I would slit my throat rather than say something to someone that you didn't want me to say!
Olive Penderghast: That's not necessary, Dad, but that is comforting.
Dill: [to his adopted son] Where are you from originally?
Dill: [walking into Olive's bedroom while she is sewing red "A"'s on her clothing] Is everything all right? It sounds like you're having sex in here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
Dill: The family member of the week gets to pick the movie.
Olive Penderghast: You get family member of the week every week.
Rosemary: And there's a reason for that.
Olive Penderghast: Yeah, you pick family member of the week!
Rosemary: Are you accusing me of nepotism?
Mr. Griffith: I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?
Olive Penderghast: [Mocks interest] He got a Coke Zero AGAIN. Ah, that Roman. Incorrigible.
Mr. Griffith: I'm hearing things...
Olive Penderghast: The rumors are true. I am, in fact, considering becoming an existentialist.