Baby Mama

Barry: Congratulations, Kate. I want to reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Chaffee Bicknell: Our surrogacy fee is $100,000.

Kate Holbrook: It costs more to have someone born than to have someone killed!

Chaffee Bicknell: It takes longer.

Chaffee Bicknell: Yes, I'm expecting again.

Angie Ostrowiski: [to Kate] Expecting what? A Social Security check?

Kate Holbrook: I know; it's gross!

Rob: Do you want to come back to my...

Kate Holbrook: Yes. Absolutely!

Rob: Wow. Okay! Just to be clear, I was going to say my place...

Kate Holbrook: Uh-huh. I'm 37. I know how this works.

Caroline: [holding her son's dirty hand] Is this chocolate or poop? Is this chocolate or poop?

Caroline: [licks son's hand and smiles] It's chocolate!

Kate Holbrook: What if that had been poop?

Birthing Teacher: Welcome to the birthing center. In this birthing class we are going to help you new mommies and daddies, and our mommies and mommies, lesbian lovers...

Kate HolbrookAngie Ostrowiski: No.

Birthing Teacher: prepare for that marathon of labor. Quick question before we start, how many of you are planning on doing natural child birth?

[everyone raises hand except Angie and Kate]

Birthing Teacher: That's a good show of hands! That's so great, you're all so brave! And how many of you are planning on using toxic western medications to drug your baby for your own selfish comfort, anyone?

Angie Ostrowiski: [raises hands] OOH OOOOOH!

Kate Holbrook: Did you just stick your gum under my coffee table?

Angie Ostrowiski: [nervous] I don't know.

Kate Holbrook: What do you mean, you don't know? You think you're at an Arby's right now?

Angie Ostrowiski: You know what? I wish I was at an Arby's 'cause there's better food and cooler people there!

Kate Holbrook: [looks under the coffee table] Did you stick *all* this gum under here?

Angie Ostrowiski: I don't know! Maybe you stuck some of it under there.

Kate Holbrook: Yeah, actually, you might be right. 'Cause sometimes, when I work a really long day, I like to come home and chew a huge wad of Bubblicious gum and stick it under my reclaimed barnwood coffee table!

Angie Ostrowiski: Bitch, I don't know your life!

Kate Holbrook: I hope you don't mind; I bought you some organic food. I thought you might want to start eating healthier food.

Angie Ostrowiski: Eh. That crap is for rich people who hate themselves.

Kate Holbrook: I'm sorry, I'm a little overly thorough. Some people would say that I am bossy and controlling.

Rob: No, that's just prejudice. They call you bossy and controlling because you're a woman. But if you were a man doing the same stuff... you'd just be a dick.

Kate Holbrook: I'm thirty-seven and I want a baby.